I Was Trying to be Perfect, but I Was Unhappy (You too? + 5 Steps to Free Yourself)

Pay attention today sisters... This is truly a crucial time to become PRESENT WITH YOURSELF.  ("arguably the MOST POWERFUL WEEK OF 2015 in astrological terms…”)

On March 20, 2015, there was a TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE, New Moon in Pisces + EQUINOX.  I had the privilege of sitting in a New Moon Ceremony with my friend, coach and mentor Julie Santiago on Friday evening.  


Something profound happens when women gather around in a circle, especially in celebration of the moon.  (As women, our bodies are synced with the moon.) Perfect strangers begin to tell their stories with a degree of authenticity and vulnerability that we truly can't find anywhere else.


I'd like to start with a little story about myself to highlight why you need to be paying attention to your life, your choices, your body, your thoughts, your feelings...  Your freedom and satisfaction are at stake. 

Not that long ago, I was deep in the "game."  And I was a damn good player.  Ever since I was a child, I got the grades, the internship, the job, the apartment, the clothes, the travel.  And I managed to keep up a very active social life through it all. I had always felt like a good girl hanging out with the bad boys.  I knew how to "work the system" and always found a way to "get it done." 

Until last year, I was working 80-hour weeks, drinking venti iced coffees daily (*light ice, thanks*), obsessing over every bite of food I ate, over-eating, drinking and partying, binging on sugar at night and then rushing to high-intensity workouts to make up for the guilt.  

I was living a double life. 

On the weekends, I was finding myself - hula-hooping, dancing wildly to live music and exploring yoga. I felt FREE. Monday through Friday, I put on a professional "face" - the makeup and the persona - that was a combination of hard-ass business woman meets seductive yet cool girl friend.  I was constantly stressed and pushing myself way beyond exhaustion. But I was making a good living and felt validated and empowered... and secure. 

I was fighting to win the respect of the men who held the keys to my dreams of "success" ($ and a title?) and to my basic survival. They were my clients, colleagues, mentors, and they decided whether I got paid, promoted or validated for the work I was doing in this world.  And I was good at it too - being one of the guys, playing with the "big boys." 


It wasn't until I REMEMBERED "I am a WOMAN" (and FELT it, OWNED it) that I deeply questioned my lifestyle, my choices, the way I was moving through life and my entire life's story.  I was living to "win" at this game of "success" and recognition, trying to "get ahead."  (Get ahead of what?)  

What I realized was that I had been FAKING IT MY ENTIRE LIFE.  Faking it to get by, faking it to get ahead, faking it just to be liked!  And all my life, I was making decisions based on FEAR - fear of being poor, fear of being fat, fear that "if you really knew me, you wouldn't like me."

I didn't know who I was, what I wanted or what would really make me happy.

I was stressed, overworked, overwhelmed, rushing, obsessing, stuffing... I felt guilt, shame, worry, fear... 

All with a big, fat smile on my face.  Because I thought I had to keep it all together. 

I was honestly trying to make a good life for myself.  But a part of me knew "this can not be it." I was suffering inside. I hated my body. I was unsatisfied, lacking fulfillment or community through my work.  I was trying to be who I thought I needed to be, so people would like and respect me - cool, stable, successful, fun, pretty, sexy... PERFECT.  My pace and lifestyle was completely unsustainable.  The security of my job became suffocating.  I was totally disconnected from myself, my femininity, my feelings, my desires, my soul...  

So what changed? I found freedom.

Watch this week's episode of KikiTV to learn my 5 Steps to Free Yourself.  I teach you how I freed myself from my own mental prison, cured my eating disorder, learned to value who I am over what I do, and found my purpose. 

So if I may, I'd like to give it to you STRAIGHT UP - Today is the day to GET REALLY RADICALLY HONEST WITH YOURSELF.  Stop pretending or convincing yourself that shit is working for you if it isn't! 

The window of this new moon is still open and it is ALL ABOUT CHOICES.

Consider this moment of your year a "PIVOT POINT."

Does something just FEEL "OFF" or DOESN'T FEEL "RIGHT"?
Have you been ignoring some dissatisfaction or suffering? 
Have you been feeling called to change or let go of something?

Are you craving more meaning in your life? 

Don't fool yourself by thinking you are "stuck" without any options.  You are responsible for your experience in life - suffering and happiness. 

Look at your stress, anxiety, fear, health problems, lack of energy or dissatisfaction in life head on. 

CHOOSE THE NEW. RELEASE THE OLD that is bringing you down. 

CREATE A RITUAL or GATHER IN A WOMEN'S CIRCLE to intentionally let go of the old ways of thinking, speaking and acting that are not true to who you are and who you want to become. 

ALIGN YOURSELF WITH THE "SOMETHING GREATER" that lies WITHIN YOU and flows all around you.  (And if you don't believe the "something greater" part, just spend some time in nature, look around, breathe in the air, and you'll get it. ;)


From mysticmamma.com ...

“We are precisely who we have caused ourselves to be. The extent to which we have DENIED THE TRUTH or sacrificed its pursuit in FAVOR OF SECURITY reveals the EXTENT TO WHICH WE MUST NOW CHANGE and GROW in ever more vital and transformative ways.

“…DREAM what YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. You do not need to fix, save and rescue other people. You want to LET PEOPLE LIVE THEIR OWN LIVES. ALLOW others to LEARN FROM THEIR EXPERIENCES. This is the path to Self-mastery.

“Practice the LAW OF ALLOWING. That is create the space for others to find their own answers… IF YOU WANT TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE, ROLE MODEL A GREAT LIFE.

What are your energies, words and behaviors attracting in your life?  

Is it what you really want? 

For the full astrology report, head to mysticmamma.com 

I bow to you sisters

With wild love, 



Femininity | Spirituality | Nature

Transformational Women's 

Awakening women to a life of purpose and pleasure...
"the world needs what women want." - Kiki